When my husband died by suicide in 2009, my world stopped. I didn’t expect the unexpected grief emotions that would surface years later — after therapy, after the tears slowed, after the fog lifted.
One of the most unexpected emotions? Disgust. Not at the person I lost, not at the tragedy itself—but at me. At the way I behaved while drowning in grief.
The Mirror We Avoid During Grief
When you’re in the thick of grief, you don’t have the luxury of self-reflection. You’re running on survival mode, just trying to get through the day without completely falling apart. Looking back wasn’t an option; looking forward felt impossible. You just are.
But when healing starts to settle in—when you’re finally able to breathe without the crushing weight—you sometimes turn around and see a version of yourself you barely recognize. Maybe you see choices you wish you hadn’t made, words you wish you hadn’t said, or relationships you wish you’d handled differently. And the truth is, during grief, we often act in ways we never would otherwise.
The Emotional Whiplash of Healing
Healing doesn’t arrive gently. It sneaks up like sunlight after a long storm — blinding, beautiful, and sometimes harsh. You start to notice the emotional debris left behind: guilt for surviving, frustration for not moving on sooner, even shame for feeling joy again.
It’s strange, isn’t it? You pray for peace, and when it finally arrives, you almost reject it — as if healing means forgetting. But it doesn’t. Healing simply means your love found a new way to exist.
Sometimes the disgust or guilt that appears isn’t a punishment; it’s awareness. It’s your mind replaying moments you couldn’t process before. And in that awareness, you find growth — if you let yourself face it without judgment.
Learning to Show Yourself Grace
When I finally began forgiving myself for how I grieved, I realized I was still carrying a silent expectation — that I should’ve done it better. Been stronger. Handled everything perfectly for my daughter’s sake. But grief doesn’t follow rules. It breaks them.
If you’ve lost someone, and years later you still feel ashamed for how you handled it — please know this: your healing doesn’t have to look graceful to be real. You were doing the best you could in a season when just breathing was an act of courage.
Grace doesn’t erase the past; it softens its grip.
Finding Meaning After the Storm
The beauty in healing is that you start to see how far you’ve come — not because the pain disappeared, but because you learned how to carry it differently. Disgust turns into understanding. Guilt turns into gratitude.
And grief, somehow, turns into love that continues — just in another form.
When I look back now, I don’t see the woman who “fell apart.” I see the woman who kept going — who raised her daughter, rebuilt her heart, and learned that healing isn’t about forgetting what broke you; it’s about remembering how strong you became because of it.
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đź“š Helpful Books on This Topic:
No Time To Say Goodbye-Surviving the suicide of a loved one- by: Carla Fine
Grief One Day at a Time – by: Alan Wolfelt
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If this post resonated with you, you might also find comfort in reading Joy Comes in the Morning, a reflection on rediscovering hope and connection through gratitude after loss. Or Finding Gratitude Through Grief— a reminder that even in sorrow, gratitude can gently guide us back to peace.
If you or someone you love is struggling with grief or loss, you’re not alone. There are organizations that offer free support, guidance, and community: #988